I Screamed at God and He Listened

I screamed at God.

Tears streamed down my eyes as I entered into full-blown panic attack mode.

I swore at God too.

I screamed at God and He listened

I drove my car toward the beach, sat at a red light and wondered if others could see my tears. I wondered if the driver next to me had also sat at red lights while screaming at God, tears streaming down their face. I wondered if this would be my life forever. I felt stuck. Alone. Devastated. Hurt. Emotions that can only be deeply felt and never accurately described.

“I CAN’T  $%#@**$ DO THIS ANYMORE!!! I can’t do this. Why aren’t you listening?! God, I need your help! WHY are you allowing this to happen?!!! I CAN’T %$#&* DO THIS ANYMORE!!!”

I screamed between breaths, beating on my steering wheel, broken, beat down, and ready to run away.

I wanted God to immediately intervene and fix my situation. Right then and there.

The truth is, God wanted more from me. He wanted all of me.

He wanted my full surrender.

The truth is, I wasn’t there yet.

The truth is, God created me to be his greatest work and he saw me at the finished line as his most spectacular master piece.

The truth is, he wanted my story to be a glory story, not a victim story.

The truth is, I heard a whisper in my ear that night,

“One day your story for my glory.”

And that would take some gardening in my heart and soul.

Pruning, watering, sunshine, growth.

The truth is a glory story leaves no room for blame, finger-pointing, offense, nor defense.

God’s glory story is about love, redemption, surrender.

God’s glory story is always a happily every after for every character written on every page within every chapter of our hearts.

It begins the moment we turn the page of our ugly chapters and declare:

My story for your glory. God, I’m ready for you to do your work in me.

Today, I’m gardening with God. And it’s the most beautiful adventure of discovering holy spirit treasure, hidden deep within the confines of my heart, soul, and mind. It’s a journey and a daily surrender.

The truth is, I’m still in process.

What are you discovering in this season? Have you uncovered your treasure? Have you discovered the treasure in others? Are you in the process of gardening? Together, we learn. Together, we grow. Together, we are getting better at love.

The truth is, he wanted my story to be a glory story, not a victim story.

12 thoughts on “I Screamed at God and He Listened

  1. berkleeleary

    Legitamely got chills while I read this, especially the line “The truth is, God wanted more from me.” Wow, isn’t that truth. He blesses us abundantly when we fully surrender, yet for some reason we can be so dang hesistant. As I’m going through something really painful in my life right now, this was exactly what he wanted me to hear. Thank you for your vulnerability!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know this feeling all too well, and I struggle with it and revisit it often. I have surrendered myself and I find it easier to give Him my problems when they arise, instead of holding onto them. But it’s still tough sometimes. It’s a work in progress every single day, but it sounds like you’re in a good place and know how to handle it all. You got this – or should I say, God’s got this. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! This was from a very tough season in my life… hoping by sharing my story, others will know that they are not alone and that we all face anger, fear, sorrow in our life… but we always have beautiful hope. Thank you for taking time to stop by and comment. Grateful!!

      Like

  3. Roads and Pages

    I really love your post. It made me reflect on my life. I can say that without God, I am nothing. I need Him every single day of my life. Just like you, I am still gardening too. I am still trying to pull out the weeds that makes me far from our God. This is such an inspirational post.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was beautifully written. I remember a similar occasion in my life. It dawned on me that He really was my Refuge. I could share all my selfish thoughts with Him, and He would forgive me. I didn’t have to hide my true feelings from Him. He knew them anyway. It is so hard to completely let go, but SO worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Beautiful. Sometimes it’s in our messiest moments, our biggest “mistakes”, our lowest of lows that God reveals himself to us in ways we would never expect. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    Liked by 2 people

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