Narcissism: Finding Freedom in Forgiveness

You loved him once.

I did. For more than once. 

I loved him with everything that I had and all that I am.

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That’s a lot of love.

It’s who I am. When I love. I love with my whole heart.

That’s how I made you,  Christelle. 

Sometimes, I don’t want this. I don’t want to love.  To hurt. To feel so incredibly much.

It’s too much. 

Silence

What are you thinking about Christelle?

You know what I’m thinking, God. You’re God.

You’re hiding. You don’t want to feel. But you will need to feel. To heal. Go there. With me.

Silence.

It’s o.k. to cry, Christelle. It’s time. To go in. It’s time. To heal. Those places. Those wounds. For You. For us. For them. Let’s go. To the places. The places you’ve not wanted to go back to. 

Silence. Beginning to remember. Beginning to cry. As I remember.

What are you afraid of.

I let my heart be hardened.

I don’t want to admit. How much I loved him.

It’s easier to look at the label and not the heart. It’s easier to say that he’s a narcissist and leave it there.

And not have to work on yourself.

Silence.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

Let’s go there Christelle. It’s time.

What do you remember? What dream was broken and needs to be healed?

Silence. Thinking.

Tears fall. I feel the breaking point. Courage, Dear Heart… the ancient whispers begin to sing over my soul. Forgiveness is beckoning my heart forward as my mind begins to remember

What do you remember, he whispers gently through my soul…

I remember laying in bed as a young girl, praying every night for my future husband. Praying that he had a heart for you. Praying for him, much like I prayed for me. 

I believed in love. I believed in my happily ever after. I believed you created one man, just for me. And it would be forever. I believed with all my heart that you would answer my prayer. I believed that if I was good, everything would turn out all right in the end. I prayed my prayers of forgiveness, never leaving one thing out. Terrified I might not make it to heaven. I prayed for purity for myself. And him. 

Are you angry at me, Christelle?

I saved myself.

For him. 

I did everything right.

Silence.

And I let you down. 

Silence.

I need to forgive you. For not answering my prayer. 

I didn’t realize

Silence

I’ve been blaming you.

And him.

And them.

Are you angry at yourself, Christelle?

Do you need to forgive yourself?

There’s so much toiling in my heart, God.

I need a break. 

I’m tired.

It’s o.k., Christelle. I’m not going anywhere.

I’m tired, God. So incredibly tired.

I go to sleep. Tears fall. I pray, my dreams tonight will take me into a healing place.

 

 

 

 

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